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Real moms, Real stories, Real injustice.
I have gathered these stories from some extremely brave moms who have all endured a variety of difficult situations that stem from maternal and female injustice in the USA. Basic maternal rights in the USA are falling far behind that of other developed countries and it is thereby important that we share these stories and start speaking up for ourselves so that laws and regulations can adequately change. These stories are told directly by the mothers and they speak for themselves.
As you read through these stories you will begin to see what they all share in common...
Erin
Number of Kids: 2
State: Washington
With my first child, I was technically single in the eyes of Washington state because I was engaged but hadn't gotten around to getting married yet. During this time, the state insurance I had covered 100% of my ultrasounds, maternity appointments, and nearly all of my stay at the hospital when I delivered my firstborn. Since having my first child, I have gotten married and did what many women do which is to get their insurance through their husband’s jobs. My husband works for a big company and we figured they would have my simple pregnancy-related bills covered.
I’ve had similar pregnancies with my first and now second pregnancy- I started out underweight and had to go in for “extra ultrasounds ” to make sure all was good with the baby. The difference is, now as I am covered through my husband’s job instead of the state, I am paying nearly $100 per ultrasound! Not just that, but I am often met with very unclear charges on some of my statements, and it is impossible to get any answers from anyone as to what they are and where they came from.
How on Earth does it make sense that a state insurance plan would cover maternity costs so readily and yet a large company like the one my husband works for is simply unable to do the same? Why now, that I have even LESS money to spare with two kids and MORE supposed security as a married person, do they decide they can’t cover these procedures?
I can see more than ever now that America’s health care system is so incredibly broken. It is frustrating to have all of this anxiety over ultrasounds considering they are such a crucial component of the pregnancy process. It is also so incredibly difficult to get someone who can provide assistance and can be understanding of my frustrations. I feel like I am expected to blindly pay for all of these costs, even though we cannot afford to. I’m accruing a substantial amount of debt over this situation and I am sure many other women are dealing with the same nonsense.
Things need to change, and I know I don’t even have the worst of it.
Marissa
Number of Kids: 2
State: New York
I had a job at a daycare, working in the infant/toddler wing. I was pregnant while working there, and I saw it as an amazing opportunity as I was hired on even though they found out I was pregnant. I was expecting my first child, and although at first everything seemed ok, looking back I realize I should've seen all the red flags.
I didn't receive any confirmation for maternity leave and no paperwork on the matter either. Because it's a daycare, there was no HR department and even the director didn't know how to approach this topic with me. Regardless of the red flags, I worked at this daycare until I was 37 weeks pregnant, taking my leave then as I ended up with severe sciatic pain and wasn’t able to lift anything or bend over. My doctor put me on bed rest the remainder of my pregnancy and I told the daycare that I would leave for 12 weeks and then be in touch with them shortly before coming back to talk about my schedule.
Then, just one week after having my eldest, I started getting persistent calls and texts asking me if I can come back from my leave sooner than I had planned. Considering this was only a week after I had given birth, it seemed extremely unprofessional and I was far too exhausted to put up with it. This continued for 5 weeks and the texts became what I consider a form of harassment.
Eventually, they left me a voicemail which claimed I was fired on account of job abandonment. It was horrible, not to mention they had no business harassing me in such a manner while I was at home on my leave with my first baby! My leave wasn’t paid and 12 weeks was not a huge chunk of time to ask for. I assumed I would have a job to go back to!
This caused me a lot of anxiety and greatly contributed to the PPD I was already dealing with. My husband and I contemplated getting a legal case against them...but it wasn't worth the hassle, energy, or risk of financial loss. It was infuriating to deal with this level of unprofessionalism, especially from a place that is supposed to value children and family well being more than anything.
Anonymous
Number of Kids: 2
State: Missouri
I took a standard 12-week maternity leave from my job at an IT consulting firm when my first son was born. On the day in which I returned from my leave, I ended up getting laid off, after only being back for a total of 2 hours.
They laid off two other people (men) which gave them some basis to say it wasn’t about my maternity leave...Well, turns out I was laid off because I wasn't “billable” but I wasn't billable because I hadn't been assigned any projects while on leave. One of the men laid off wasn't billable because he took almost 3 weeks of use-or-lose vacation at the end of the calendar year...a bit different than my situation.
I briefly considered legal action, but I felt like they had a defense that, while questionable, could easily hold up in court depending on the specific judge or jury. I also didn't have the money or energy at that time to deal with a lawsuit. Perhaps I should have - they may well have just settled for a worthwhile chunk of money, but it didn't feel that way at the time, and I was too nervous as well as baby fatigued.
I still wonder to this day if there was ever a moment in which one man at the firm said to the other something along the lines of "Dude. You're risking a lawsuit here. Don't do it." It was so ridiculous of them to lay me off in these circumstances and looking back I do wish I had done something. Just the bad PR alone would have been terrible for them.
It was a relatively small publicly-traded IT consulting firm- around 500 employees at the time, spread across offices all over the US. I didn't specifically feel marginalized as a woman at this company before this.
There was at least one C-level woman (not HR) in the company, and my management chain had been female for a while. There was an undercurrent of "bro culture", but most people were professionals and acted as such. I did feel generally underpaid and can partially attribute that to a sort of standard-across-society, women-don't-know-what-they're-worth and are in a catch-22 for negotiating for themselves factor.
In general, in the industry, I've experienced sort of standard stuff; having to justify my take on something with tons of data when men with (sometimes far) less education and experience are just believed. Watching men be praised for what was mediocre work while being held to a 10x higher standard.
While it was certainly not a positive experience - definitely scary, definitely a bit of "well, how do I break the news to my husband?" it was also sort of a relief to be forced into keeping my 3-month-old at home instead of sending him to daycare. We were both professionally employed, at a low cost of living area and now our anticipated daycare expenses were gone. Our health insurance was through my husband's employer, so we still had that too. It wasn't the epic disaster it would have been for a single mom or a mom who was the primary breadwinner.
- for this story, reader discretion advised for those with PTSD or trauma from labor-
Andrea
Number of Kids: 2
State: Maryland
I will start by saying that my first son is my rainbow baby. My first pregnancy ended up as a missed miscarriage. After my D&C, when we were finally cleared to try again, it took us over a year to conceive.
I decided to stay with the same providers that handled my miscarriage and D&C which at the time wasn’t a bad decision. I will describe the place (in retrospect) as completely impersonal. There were entirely too many patients, not enough doctors, and hardly any time at all spent on specifics during prenatal visits (even with complications).
From 32 weeks on, I was closely monitored for oligohydramnios (low amniotic fluid). This included weekly ultrasounds/prenatal visits. I would show up, get my ultrasound, give a urine sample, see a provider briefly, and go on my way. No one ever asked me about a birth plan or told me what would happen if my fluid levels were to drop below the threshold. Around 35 weeks I was put on bed rest in an attempt to maintain the fluid I had.
When I went in for my 37-week appointment my AFI had dropped below 5. I had no idea what this meant because no one had gone over the “what if’s” of this condition. I panicked! They told me to go home, pack my bags, eat, and come back to the hospital by 8 pm for induction. Holy shit. This was it. I was terrified! But again...no game plan. No information on the process of induction. I just went in blind.
I went home, got ready, showered, had sex, made sure everything was ready to go, and of course cried... A LOT. We got to the hospital and got admitted. I handed the nurses my birth plan, which I came up with on my own, and was met with rolling eyes and scoffs. I guess having an idea of how you’d like your birth to go and how you’d like you/your partner/your baby to be treated during the process was an inconvenience.
This was Monday evening. We started with Cervidil (for those who don’t know what this is, it’s basically a plastic tampon which gets inserted into the vagina to release prostaglandins to ripen your cervix.) No one told me that, I found that out later. The next morning, it came out and I started Cytotec, this is another cervical ripener in pill form. I was given two pills every couple of hours and told to walk around the hospital for 30 mins.
By Tuesday afternoon, I hadn’t made any progress. Someone brought up a foley catheter. Again, not knowing what I was dealing with, we tried it. Holy shit. Ow. If you don’t know what a foley catheter is, which I didn’t until I did, it’s a catheter that is inserted through your cervix into your uterus. Then a balloon is filled with saline on the inside and outside of the uterus on each side of the cervix. This is supposed to manually dilate your cervix. It made the pain of my contractions go from 0-100 in 60 seconds.
I was miserable.
I was in tears and I was moaning, begging my partner and my family to help me. Several times nurses came in to try to convince me to get an epidural or try other forms of pain relief. They told me I was upsetting other laboring/delivering mothers/families. I eventually tried IV medication (which just made me feel high AND in pain) and then finally got the epidural.
My epidural had to be done twice because I have scoliosis and placing it was difficult. I had to be flipped back and forth because I couldn’t lay on my back and if I laid on my side too long the epidural would drain to one side and I could feel contractions but only on one side. The foley catheter is supposed to stay in for 12 hrs. If it falls out before then, you’re 4 cm dilated. Mine didn’t fall out and I was only at 3. By this point, they had started my Pitocin and were working their way up to maxing it out. I made it to 4 cm by Wednesday morning.
Before Wednesday afternoon, they decided to break my water. Never told me the process, or what it meant as far as a delivery deadline. Just did it. I didn’t progress anymore. By Wednesday night, they stopped my maxed out Pitocin for an hour, to restart it, and max it out again. They said if I don’t progress anymore that they will have to take me for a c section by 5 am. I cried. I was exhausted. I had already been here for 2 days being poked and uninformed. Now a cesarean was looming overhead.
Well 5 am on Thursday came and I hadn’t progressed. It was go time. They prepped me and got my boyfriend dressed and ready. As expected by this point, no one told me what to expect. They wheeled me into the operating room. My boyfriend said during the surgery before my son was born that I passed out. He was concerned but the staff didn’t seem to be. I don’t remember much about the operation except when they pulled him out and I finally heard him cry. I cried and asked if he was okay. My boyfriend nodded. He got to hold him first and held him up to me. I was in love.
They took my son and my boyfriend away and began closing me up. I started feeling a lot of pressure, then pain, then unbearable pain. I screamed and yelled telling them I could feel what they were doing. At first, it felt like my abdomen was being crushed by hundreds of pounds of pressure, then a lot of dull pain that I could never even begin to describe. I don’t know what happened next. I either passed out from the pain, or they knocked me out.
I must’ve been out for at least 30 mins. I finally woke up and immediately wanted him. The only problem was, I was exhausted and on so much medication that I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I couldn’t hold him by myself, let alone try to nurse him.
By the end of the day Thursday or the beginning of Friday I was up and moving, I believe. As a result of my traumatic birth experience I developed terrible PPD, PPA, PPOCD and I don’t think it would have been so bad if I had a better experience. I ended up having a breakdown at around 9 months postpartum. I had to reach out and finally saw a therapist and psychiatrist. It took me 3 months, allergic and other reactions to meds, and a lot of back and forth to find the right combo. I finally did though and I got better.
I got pregnant with my second baby when my firstborn was 20 months old. I didn’t want to go through that process again, So I immediately put the work in to assure it would be different this time. I changed providers not once, but twice. I met with the midwives and made sure they were the right fit. I got a doula. I went to birth classes even though this is my second child, I wanted to make sure I was as informed as possible! I educated myself throughout my entire second pregnancy. Asked questions. Challenged information where it seemed funky. Only trusting evidence-based material.
Laura
Number of kids: 1 (soon 2!)
State: Ohio
So I work for an amazing company. They truly value the employees, offer fantastic benefits, and are generous with flexible scheduling. They have a beautiful, comfortable dedicated mom’s lounge for pumping and storing milk throughout the workday (which I took full advantage of upon my return to work from maternity leave), and they give ample paid time off for use throughout the year. I don’t take for granted how fortunate I am to work for such a great company...
All of that being said, I was more than a little surprised to learn of the maternity leave options when I was pregnant with my first child. Both my husband and I worked at this same company at the time, and we were first shocked to learn that there was no time offered for paternity leave. Zero. He would have to pull from his bank of paid time off hours to take any time off when the baby was born.
As I mentioned earlier, luckily all staff are granted ample paid time off - but it was still disappointing and stressful to budget time off for baby versus what he may/may not need for sick/vacation/personal time the rest of the year. When it came to my time off, I would be granted the country’s standard for short term disability- 6 weeks for vaginal delivery, 8 weeks for a cesarean at 60% of my regular pay. The disability would only kick in once I was admitted to a hospital for delivery. So any additional time taken before or after this allotted time would have to come from my bank of personal paid time off for the year.
Before giving birth, this seemed like a reasonable amount of time. I had no experience with children or babies and thought a 6-week “vacation” seemed pretty legit! Once my daughter was born, however, I realized just how grossly I had underestimated the requirements for caring for a newborn as well as what would be involved in my recovery. I had a natural vaginal birth and ended up taking 2 additional weeks of my own paid time off for a total of 8 weeks of maternity leave.
The time flew by and while it was kind of nice to get back to a sense of familiarity in my work, I did not feel prepared to leave my 2-month-old or to jump back into the stressful demands of my management position. I’m very blessed to have an amazing support system in my husband and family but I always think about those who do not have family nearby or who have less accommodating employers and I’m just floored by the “standard” maternity leave offered to new mothers.
Emily
Number of kids: 4
State: Vermont
I was widowed at age 22 while three months pregnant with my second child. Previously, with my first child, I mostly stayed home- going to work and college classes on a part-time basis, so I only had to pump a handful of times. When things changed and I became the sole-proprietor, I knew I would have to not only work more but also finish my degree faster to be able to support two children by myself.
So just six weeks after my daughter was born, I jumped right into work and school, pumping while I was away from her.
Pumping at school was complicated. Classes changed every semester, bringing me to various buildings, none of them with pumping facilities unless I wanted to use a public restroom. I luckily found the faculty to be extremely accommodating as they let me use their offices to pump! I had several three-hour long lecture courses where the same professors would let me pump mid-way through the class in the back of the room. This was awkward but I viewed it no differently than nursing while out and about. Throughout all this, I was hoping I had a positive impact on other students who someday would need to pump themselves or support a pumping spouse.
I did what I had to do. When my baby was sick and could not go to daycare, I would bring her to class in a baby sling. Most people thought I was carrying a fancy paisley print purse, and I even nursed in the sling while giving a presentation one day! I was very lucky to have such accommodating faculty throughout this process as I realize there are schools out there that may not have been so.
Later on, after remarrying and having a third child, I was working at the same office I had been at with my second child. I found myself pumping at the same time as a coworker and creating that connection with her was a positive experience for me. We took our pump breaks together, took turns bringing in cookies laced with brewer's yeast as a galactagogue, and sent extra bottles of milk home with each other if one of us was short on supply for the day. I only wish every woman had such good camaraderie to make pumping less of a chore! Doing it alone is a very isolating experience.
I am pumping now for my fourth baby and dreading it. The awful swish noise it makes, the obligatory break I force into my busy workday every couple hours, workers who don't get it and knock on the door every time its shut, the plastic waste of pumping bags and what feels like constant reordering of knock off valves and other flexible parts on Amazon prime. Feeling like a dairy cow hooked onto a machine. Counting ounces and constantly worrying about supply. Trying to find a family to donate to if our freezer gets too full....the list goes on!
Although I'm grateful for pumping, I also hate it and I hate being separated from my baby. I think there needs to be more support around the issue of pumping...considering it is so stressful and yet so many women are doing it just as I had to. There are often no places to do it, and I can't even imagine how it is possible in certain work environments or in colleges that are not as accommodating as mine was. It is not natural for a woman to be separated from a baby so early in its life but so many of us have to do it and the reasons are financial.
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